I
can still remember my first day of Drumline practice, and thinking that those
first five minutes that followed with my little bass drum were the worst five
minutes of my entire life. It took hard work, time commitment, and willingness
to learn but I survived. If someone asked me what I felt the most important
quality that someone needed to have in order to be a part of the Bishop Verot
Drumline, I would not say musical ability or experience drumming, I would say
perseverance. When I started drumming the summer before my freshman year, I was
awful. The music was difficult, the drum was heavy, and the members were so
strange. Yet for some odd reason, I decided that I was going to be dedicated to
Drumline and that no matter what difficulties come my way, I would never stop
trying.
As a part of my
school community, I value the phrase non-excidet, which we interpret to mean
“we will not fail.” I always laugh when people understand the phrase to mean
that you are never supposed to make mistakes or that you will never fail.
However, that clearly is not true. I have never met a perfect person, and I
predict that I probably never will. I interpret failure to occur when one has
stopped trying and simply given up the effort. Sure, if I do not get accepted
to your fine institution it would not be a prudent decision to simply apply
every year till I’m eighty, yet does that mean that I shouldn’t try now and do
whatever is in my power to be considered for admission. No.
For as long as I
can remember, my grandfather and I have been saying that “cannot” died in World
War I and “can’t” died in World War II. I have absolutely clue why we started
this saying or what it could mean, but I use it in all of my decisions. During
my four years of high school, I found out quickly there is no reality in which
everything I want is awarded to me and no matter how hard I work, I can
probably always find someone with better grades than me or nicer hair, yet I
will not stop striving to be the best that I can be.
One of my favorite
songs, the song I happen to be listening to at the present moment, is Put Your
Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae. The song inspires me to take chances and
risks and live as every moment is my last. I’ve been blessed with this amazing
opportunity to create something completely new and perhaps even change the
world. This very well may be my only to chance to live, and I want take
advantage of everything afforded, and music is simply one way I enjoy life. Clearly,
I am not a perfect person, I often take too many risks, and then at other times
I take too few. I do not enjoy hamburgers, and I very well may be the only
person in Fort Myers who is not obsessed with Moe’s. However, whichever
decisions I make and risks I decide to take, I will not fail because I will
never stop trying to succeed.
college essay 1: your subject is really good and your theme is consistently present through the whole essay. you communicate very well the idea of never giving up, but i would say to try and connect the different examples a little more fluidly and just use stronger verbs :) other than the fact that you don't like moe's, awesome job!
ReplyDeleteI think your part about the drum line showed your commitment to something you truly loved very nicely. The essay effectively exhibits your perseverance through adversity and your willingness to try new things. The only thing I think needs work are the transitions between the subjects. The last paragraph somewhat confused me because of the lack of transiton.
ReplyDeleteHey Dhyana! I like how you incorporated different aspects of your life into your essay and how you always try to succeed and persevere. Maybe you could go into a little more as to why these make you never want to give up? But I'm not sure of the prompt. And, like the others say, the transitions. But other than that, I like it!
ReplyDeleteDhyana - for this one, I would get rid of a few things and add others. I would put the story about your grandfather first. Then, I would either cut that story or allow that story to lead into the one about joining drum line. Give us a few more details about drumline. What were the particular hurdles? How did you overcome them? What can how you overcame those hurdles show us about who you are as a person. In both essays you tell us a lot about you, but you do not let us see it. You have a fun personality and voice, but we need evidence:) You also have just a couple of shifts in agreement and tenses that are grammar errors that you need to fix. When you decide which one you want to use, or even if you want to use both for different places, I can get rid of those grammar errors for you. I am not sure what the song is doing in there? It is a bit all over the place. Focus and back everything up with something that shows us what you mean.
ReplyDelete